It is crazy that life is good, but it feels so bad sometimes!!

{This is going to be a long catch up post}

It's been a tough couple of weeks. Emotionally my hormones are kicking my butt, as they always do after I quit nursing. {no judgers please} 

Recently I've had to fight the good fight just to feel happy!! Several days ago I just felt like never ever ever wanting to do anything ever ever again...

{somehow this reminds me of a line in the Lego Movie that Gigi keeps repeating...
"Every idea is a good idea, except for the not happy ones....
those we push deep inside where will Never EVer EVEr EVER find them...."} 

Oh that is too funny!!!

A slight absence from IG and FB except for a few major highlights. I have not been feeling especially great. I am aware this is due to the hormonal changes I am going through I try to keep myself in check, but this is a scary thing. Life can be soooo good, love My Mister, My Littles, playing, creating, working with the scouts, helping my son swim, Gigi with her "No bummer summer" list, and reading to Little Em, but still a depression cloud drips above, rather annoyingly, but just like a runny nose, I wipe it away and move on. 

I experience this feeling  when I am PMS-ing too...but I keep a calendar and am able to sock punch it, when it happens, knowing it will only last a day or two...

This hormone change, of not nursing is worse as I never know how long it will last and it is way more intense.  

As every one of my babies has turned into a toddler I get this feeling, but as this baby is the last baby, I'm feeling more blue than ever... 

Little Em and I cried together the first few days I had to say "No more nurser"..."I'm so sorry"...over and over. We cried and held each other. It felt rather tragic. 

 Am I the only one that feels this tear so deeply...a bond is breaking...and more than likely forgotten... by the Little one, but never by me.

And So...the story continues...we move on....

One day I tried to distract myself by reading Pipi Longstocking to Little Em and I mailing a package to a friend. I wrote her a letter about what a great Mommer I think she is,

and then I cried...
'cause I thought... I'm a good Mommer too...but, it just doesn't seem like enough sometimes and I wish I could do more.

In the end putting that little package together really made me feel better and I carried on with my routine thinking a little "Rosier" and we got all dolled up and went to the store to mail it.

It is crazy that life is good, but it feels so bad sometimes!! I don't understand this. 

I look around and see all I'm blessed with and thankful for. 

I'm thankful when I see little pieces of artwork that Gigi has made to remind me of the little things I've taught her. I am grateful she remembers them and thinks they are important enough to craft.  Hopefully these words will build up inside her, creating a strong foundation when she needs them. 

I am going to try and be more open at the moment & whenever possible because let's face it people have problems and they shouldn't silence them. They should share so others can share too. Not to depress and be negative but to help and reach out. 

We can't lift each other up...if we don't know who needs it...It is interesting as I feel so productive and put together most of the time, and I never share these feelings with those I am in close contact in fear they will see me differentIy and see my weaknesses. 

I know they would only Uplift me if they knew. 

 - It is embarrassing to share our weaknesses. We always want to put our best foot forward, but knowing that others struggle helps me see that I am not the only one...

So, here I am...in my most vulnerable state saying....hey, sometimes I feel like total crap and wish I could stay in bed all day.  {One day usually does the trick and I'm over it and I can move on.}

I went to the doctors to talk to him.

I am taking medication to reduce inflammation. Because let's face it looking in the mirror and feeling good about what you see is important.  It's been 10 days now and it's getting better......this is actually good compared to last week. 

Look at me.... 

See my eyes...

those eyes belong to the little girl that grew into this woman that will become an old lady someday... 

What my eyes see, won't change what my heart feels....this is why it is important to know my worth....I am a daughter of God. {you are too!}

Um Ya...that's me...It's hard looking in the mirror, I don't see what I want to see. see this...Love this...

 I had to take a moment to laugh at myself. I seriously can't take a decent selfie!  {I think it takes more practice than I am willing to sacrifice.} I'd rather laugh then keep taking pictures. 

I talked to my Doctor about my headaches too. He told me migraines,  can be caused by hormones too. 

***
So....basically I am a hormonal wreck...overstimulated....and this is coming out of my pores and my brain is shutting down.... making it necessary for me to lay down and do absolutely nothing....Ain't that great!!  

Well now, I know I might be confusing you. I said  somedays I would like to just stay in bed all day....well, this is NOT the way to stay in bed...not with a migraine in which light or sound is crushing you....

I meant in bed eating ice cream, watching all the chick flicks you want, and paging through your favorite magazines and cutting out the things you like. That's the kind of stay in bed all day I like.

***

Most of the time I am trying to create fun....this is my fun...helping Gigi with her list of  having a "Not a Bummer Summer".  We are making paintings. 

Mine turned into a collage. I grabbed a bunch of random stuff I've been saving...

I made this little shield/crest...of our family...a while ago...before  Little Em...

I had a good cry while making this. Of course...one of joy for all that I have, and all that I wish for...and what I am trying to build and be. 
 

This sheet music is the song My Mister and I danced to on our wedding day... 

Trying to remember the words I wrote when I finished it.

"even as the edges tear, we keep them with us,
to remember always... what we have gone through.
And know that rough edges are rounded over time. 
Confetti sprinkled memories and wishing for more...me and My Mister...

 I actually wrote something down,

 a poem of sorts, 

which felt like a love song, 

and...I loved it  so much...

I actually................emailed it to Mindy Gledhill. 

Then on accident I erased what I had written and can't remember all the words and now only she has them.  Well, if she likes them, they will be put to good use. {:)}for future reference,  I need to remember to put pencil to paper. 

Here is Gigi's work....

this happened over a span of a week. She did feathers in pastels and abstract art in acrylic and then used Mod Podge to put them together.

For another art piece she used old sheet music with Mod Podge and then painted stripes and dandelions. 

She wrote a little poem that she wants to put on the stripes...but I ran out of printer ink and so, she didn't get to complete it ...but she will.

Here she is giving herself points for making a  painting... We still have to do a science project....but I think I'll have My Mister do that.

 

I've been taking My Little Man swimming and sharing on Facebook because that's where the grandparents keep up while serving there missions...it's not easy to call and share. They can see on their free time and respond when they can.  I'll have a separate post for My Little Man's swimming experience. I am so inspired by him. Overcoming fear is a major part of life and he is conquering a big one with knuckle punches!! HI YAAA

I took Gigi  to Old Navy  to buy school uniforms. Ugh. She's not happy. She likes her little style. I feel her pain. I hate looking like everybody else and do my best to carve out a little nonsense of my own from time to time. Trying to stay youthful and happy, which is hard when it comes to clothes...

I am not getting any younger and I don't want to appear to be a teenager again...but I also don't want to be frumpy. What is the word to describe in the middle....well, that's what I'm trying to do.

I saw a baseball shirt I really wanted that says "love" in French. I have never been into this store...Forever 21, but to get to Old Navy from the parking lot you enter into Forever 21 and then go into the mall and next door is Old Navy.
When I saw the little baseball shirt that said...Amour....and I was smitten....

I LOVE WORDS AND I LOVE CLOTHES THAT SPEAK...
Especially words like love. I told my Mister about it and well, yep...a   Ta Da here it is!

Score...wondering if this will go with a skirt I just ordered?

OK, so on to some silliness since we are talking clothes now.  A little thing I do that is just for me...Just a little glimpse....for you to see...

My Mister and I love The Office. There is a scene where Kelly is trying to get Pam to do a fashion show at lunch. "Fashion show... Fashion show...fashion show at lunch..." If your a fan, you'll know.

 Well, I love giving My Mister a fashion show after everyone is asleep cause that's the only 'me' time to play. This is the most modest fashion show, so just cause it's late at night and in my room... and for My Mister...No crazy thoughts now...

 

I put all my little outfits together and show him and then let him tell me what he thinks. I like a value system. " ...on a scale from 1to5 what do you think". 

Late last night ....about....hmmm, technically today since it was way after midnight.... My fav outfit was a red jcrew skirt I found at the thrift store.... with my buttercream colored McDonalds T-shirt also from a thrift store... Like 5 years ago...that says "McHAPPY DAY"!! 

I love this outfit! It literally makes my heart sing. 

Today I slept in...how? My Mister took the day off, woke up with everyone, and made me breakfast in bed. Yep, that's My Mister...he knew I needed a break and said he'd watch the kids for me so I could go out....on my own! and that is exactly what I did!

So, of course I wore this!!!

My mister said, "I think I fell asleep during your midnight fashion show..but I remember the McD t-shirt and red skirt. I liked that one best.".... then he took these pics for me.  Love My Mister!

I'm just trying to express myself and be happy...
that's what this is all about...

not to standout too much...

but definitely not be the same as anybody else either....

and totally... always to be happy....

Focus on happiness!!! That's what I'm trying to do!!!

Thanks for hearing me out, I know I rambled. 

Thanks for all you do, and what you share with me in this blogging community. 

 Be happy!! Even though I feel like I'm not enough,  I know I'm a child of God and that IS enough. 

 

So here's to the happy things in life and the rest of the pooh... It can just go down the toilet.

That's me side stepping to an estate sale and 

cha cha cha- ing....

in the dressing room once I noticed how high the door was!!

I told you I can be silly...I just hide it really well. {wink wink}

I can do hard things...scripture time and then to sleep...  

From me to you w love, M