In memory of our adopted Gpa

So, as I write this I am filled with so much emotion.  Our dear adopted Gpa Charley passed away and I have not cried until now. I haven't written here for a while as I have been so busy living the good life, {I'll fill in those blanks later. } So, why do I write now and why do I share this?  Well, because this is me, my life, my family and good comes with bad as there is opposition in all things. 

I like to write, it is an expression of how I feel and I don't like to keep things bottled up inside. I write, it calms me. I can hear my inner self, my voice, that sometimes gets clouded in the moment if the emotion is passed by because of the busy-ness of life, so this is when I like to slow down and instead of rushing through, I tend to embrace them. I can look myself in the eyes and see my pain and pull it out and write it down,  like little slivers being removed, it takes great patience to pull them out making sure no remnants are left,  and if some stay they gradually wiggle themselves out or they will heal and new skin mends and I am able to move on. 

This is me...this moment....it is tears. It is real. It hurts.  I write.

I am sorry it's not crafts and banners and art, but it is it's own beauty...

even in the mess of dimples in my cheeks and tears in my eyes.

I just got off the phone with the request to give the last prayer at our dear Gpa's funeral.  I said  "I don't know if I can do this, I feel honored that I was asked but I really gaurd myself at funerals and often times don't go because of the grief I feel", then I told him I would have to pray about it and get back to him tomorrow. 

I remember attending my grandma's funeral, I did not go into to view her. I wanted my last memory to be one of her sitting on her orange couch with her beautifully done hair, and make up, and her brooch on her nice blouse. I did not want to close my eyes and see her in a coffin. I don't want a viewing of myself. .... I see her in my minds eye from time to time....wearing her apron or sitting on her couch and we share little moments....in which I talk to her or say I think you'd be proud of me today.  

Some might say don't be sad, he is in a better place with no more suffering. That is nice to hear....

But they don't understand the loss, or maybe they have experienced this loss, but they are most definetly not experiencing it now, not at this moment, or they would not say that....Instead they would say...sorry for your loss, I hope the memories will linger.

I have the knowledge that I will see him again someday, but today my pain is here. Today we miss him and when sitting at the stool of his rocker while visiting with Grammy today, it was not the same and when I couldn't reach over and give him a little peck on the cheek because he was just a shadow of a memory there, I was sad. My pain is not as deep as that of Grammy and I feel for her as she is busy organizing and preparing for life without him, so the mourn will come deeper later I am sure for her. 

She loved him and I was honored when she told me the story of their first meet up at a burrito place on the bad side of town and how they could just talk and talk.  It is wonderful to see two individuals devoted to eachother after losing their first loves. Coming together to create a new bond of companionship and love. They truly cared for one another and made accommodations and sacrifices putting their own ailments aside at times.

I will miss the man he was, the amount of time we shared does not matter,  as it is the bond you create when two souls meet and your hearts connect. A little bit of me is in him, and him in me, and likewise with my Littles.  A connection was made and lessons learned, moments cherished and life became more  tender because of him. 

He was the Gpa that was around when there was no one else. He filled a space where once there was emptiness, and now he is gone and we are empty once again. 

He helped encourage my son to swim, opened his home to us so we could swim almost everyday this past summer. He is the one that taught my Littles about comforting and compassion by letting us serve him. 

My Gigi, being very young expressed to me that he and Grammy felt more like real grandparents because they were here. We spend time with them at least once a week and over the summer almost every other day.  And now, not only have we lost Gpa, but Grammy is moving and even though it's only about 25 minutes away that is a far distance compared to 7 minutes when you have a few minutes to spare and can just bounce on over, and I feel I am mourning her loss too.

Waaaawaaaa. It was hard to tell the Littles about this loss even though they knew he was ill. It was not easy and My Mister had to share the words. 

I was  touched by the compassion my Littlest Em showed as she saw the pain in Gigi's yes and couldn't comprehend what was going on.  She gently stroked her and said, "it's ok, don't be sad." She did this for quite a while and then got down. 

We thought she had enough of this when she quickly got down off the bed. 

We asked, "where are you going, come back".

And she said something softly.....tissue.....and upon her return, tissue in hand...

She came back and wiped her tears and so gently and sincerely asked her not to cry anymore. 

...it's ok she said.

These tender moments are the teachings of Jesus put into practice...

when you have done it unto least of my brethren you have done it unto me. 

We reach out. Why? we care, we share, we mourn with those who mourn and suffer with those who suffer....because that is what Jesus would do. My Littles have been there for Charley in his last days and now they are there for eachother. We learn so much when we serve and we love so hard it hurts, but instead of splinters these are patches sewn into eachother's hearts, healed, but never forgotten. 

 I know Charley decided on things down to...." I want to have GOOD punch at my funeral for my friends since they won't be able to drink or smoke"!  That was Charley, so even though I am scared and sad, I am honored that I have been asked to say this benediction and humbled that I, who have not known you as long as others, and will feel a stranger amongst most that will gather,  yet I have been asked to share of myself, and offer a pray, and so I will do the best I can and try not to fret, cause I think he would tell me to ..."put my big girl pants on and get on with it"! I will miss you and we will never forget you. 

From me to you w love, M